Ya, I’m trying to chill out about my world – not to be too
serious – because I just wanna prove the people around me that I’m a human who
can laugh and belong to live in this country, just same with them. I’m also
trying to be awesome because I know that one of a kind way which the people
respect us. And i think it’s normal.
This
midnight, I’ve just stalked some great women who inspire me and remind me ‘bout
my self in the past. I know if some things didn’t occur in my life, and if some
intentions weren’t stuck in my mind, I should have been so great right now and so nerd. But I didn’t want to be
nerd and don’t want to, so I changed my mind and a lot of my character, I think.
When I
was a ‘know-it-all’ junior high school student, I really didn’t understand why
most of the people wore their uniform in the same way, carried the same bag
that they think it’s cool, and bought the same gadget. In a short way, they
follow the trend. Why did they think it’s cool? I mean the people with the same
face, it’s so nasty! At that time, I truly
prefered to be my self, though it made me more looked like a weird girl. When
the people wore their ‘trendy’ skinny jeans, I wore my loose jeans.
All I
chased was being an extraordinary girl. I spent all the years in junior high school
and senior high school just to be smarter and smarter. Just did all the things
that I thought will be beneficial for my future like joined any kind of competitions I heard from
my schoolmate. I really didn’t care ‘bout what most of all the people in my age
were doing, such as hang out, having cool stuffs, update their daily lives in
social media, watching ‘booming’ movie, etc. I didn’t give a damn about it because
I thought it wouldn’t make me being a successful girl.
But,
when I grew older, I learned more about ‘how to be accepted in social life.’ I
knew that it’s not good to be different at all. The people won’t understand
your difference. So, I tried to be mainstream, I mean, to be same with the
people around me. I try to do the same way of thinking, acting, and speaking.
At that time I concluded that if the people can’t understand me, It’s my
obligation to understand them.
At first, I thought it's enough to
be mainstream, but one day I knew that it's also important to be awesome. Actually I really learned about it when I was
in the college. I’m not so sure where it begin, but I think I have a great
intention to be awesome since my ex ‘disgustingly’ laughed at my ‘alay’ photos
in my notebook. With a lot of anger, I know that I have to be awesome and show him
one day that I’m not a girl whom he’s ever laughed at anymore.
But, all the efforts I’ve been
doing to be ‘accepted’ made my focus on some academic things divided. It feels
like I step back to be equal with the people around me. I don’t mean to say that
they, the people’s intelligence, are
under my intelligence. No, no. But when I prefer to be equal with them, it
means that I should reduce the level of my weirdness and peculiarity.
Besides, my intention to be awesome
also made my intention ‘bout ‘taking a flight to England’ replaced. I know it
shouldn’t be like that if only my England intention stayed in my mind firmly.
But I tell ya, being awesome and studying in England seem so contradictive. Mm,
I mean when I stay awake at the midnight to study material for preparation test
to study Abroad, I feel so nerd. And I just don’t wanna look back and do all
the things I’ve ever done when I was nerd because I think it’ll turn me back to
be nerd.
So, all I can do right now is make
sure that I’m not nerd at all. After that, it’s a must to live my dreams,
including study Abroad. I don’t wanna blame my self about ‘step back’. I know
It’s the right choice or maybe it’s the best way.
That’s all. Sorry if my ‘disarranged’
explaination is confusing. LOL.
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